HOPE IS THE LAST THING EVER LOST

Hope is seeing Light in spite of being surrounded by Darkness

This is not a story of light vs dark or good vs evil or right vs wrong. It's just a story of pure hope and everything that follows from here isn't some publicity stunt to gain sympathy nor is this a perception of pain. Everything is too real to forget. There's a lot you can do when life comes to a standstill. My life changed completely on 22nd August 2022 when my diagnosis which I think I already knew but wasn't ready to accept came around. The reality that I didn't want to face was in front of me in all its vitality. Technically I am still not sure whether I am ready to face it for my entire life or not or even whether I am ready to share it with anyone including my inner self or not. My life is not going to be the same from now on...having a life partner and a small family of my own is next to impossible for me now, don't know where my career is gonna go. I have a million unanswered questions which keep on roaming in my mind.

I might not be that 1% who gets to taste success in all its entirety but what I am proud of is that I might be among that 99% whose story of repeated failures and success no one knows...the story no one wants to hear. I am not interested in telling my story but I am interested in discovering about my unconventional life where nothing is normal...where I am about to break the traditional theory that runs in our households for generations that a women's actual success lies in having a husband and kids ( I have immense respect for those who choose to go down that path) and create my own new theory that might not make anyone happy but myself.

Before going for my treatment I had this hope of getting my life back but now since that is not happening I am taking my time to accept my reality and at least build that one part of my life that's in my hand...my career.

When the doctor said Sorry but what you have doesn't have a cure and you have to stay in pain almost all your life and that the intensity of the pain instead of reducing will just go on a higher level something inside me just broke into a million pieces. I didn't know what I was hearing or where I am or where to go from there. I still don't seem to know that but I guess acceptance comes with time.

If you ask me did I ever imagine myself to be living this life with a chronic ailment? The answer is No I didn't ever in my wildest dreams think of it but this is Life....you are dealing with the hardest part of it. I don't want people to treat me any differently...I just want them to not show me sympathy and accept that I am not perfect...I might make mistakes because life is laughing at me. What I do want to see myself doing is smiling back at life and look in its eye and say that No you haven't broken me yet...you need to try harder to do that.

The only difference here is a very intense level of pain has chosen to be with me for a long while with the hope of breaking me down. Now definitely I am broken but I haven't given up yet. My dad says that pain chooses those who have the audacity to look in its eye not with fear but with a different light of confidence which comes to them by constantly struggling to stand up in spite of falling multiple times.

All of this just makes me feel like an army officer trying to protect us by doing everything they can to not let the enemy win. In my case, my enemy and strength is my body and I just need to keep fighting to not let my body and health win over my mind and break me down. This is going to be an endless war where the outcome is unknown but you gotta fight it with all your strength. I don't know who is actually going to read this but 10 years down the line my future self is definitely going to revisit this article to remind herself of where she started from and where she ended. The journey is from 0 to infinity and right I am standing at 0 trying to make it to infinity and I already can see my parents and myself giving a 1000 Watt Smile when we reach infinity as a team that's not going to give up soo easily.

I just need to find that one thing that can make me look forward to getting up from my bed and live...in short need to find some purpose worth living for.

I have been talking about strength a lot. Strength as we all know is of 2 types - physical and mental. Inner strength or strength of the mind is much more difficult to achieve than physical strength because we have a lot of inner demons that we have to fight to attain complete control over our minds. Whenever we hear something that is hard to digest our mind forces us to deny it as long as we can....the same is happening with me right now. Denial is something that is really hard to fight and acceptance is something that doesn't come easily to you....but yea acceptance does make life a bit easier to live. There are a lot of things I need to accept as a person....that life won't be the same for me as it used to be, there's a lot of stuff that I need to sacrifice on the go and that it's going to be the most difficult ride for me....something that's not going to end with time but just get worse. Accepting is really hard because it's bitter truth without any coating or Masala.

When I was told that I need to learn to live with pain who's intensity is way beyond anyone can imagine something inside me definitely broke but what I didn't know was that acceptance of it is going to be the hardest part. It's a tunnel full of darkness but my task is to find the light of hope that maybe 10 years down the line God gives me the gift of a normal life that I soo much desire to have. So what I am definitely gonna do is I am not going to fight my pain or wish for some magic or miracle but I will learn to smile through my pain and enjoy life as it comes....one day at a time and yess would continue with my blog and read a lot and if possible be independent someday.

Sorry if this blog is too long for you to read but it might be just worth it. There's one last thing I would definitely like to say is that never take your life or the people around you for granted because one day you will regret for not having made the most of it when you could have and when things were normal. When things go totally opposite to as you had planned it the moments you had spent with your loved ones and with yourself are going to haunt you the most because having a normal life is a luxury ppl like us can only dream to have which I am guessing that the people reading this have it. So just thank God or whatever entity you believe in that you are still able to get up in the morning with nothing gone majorly wrong with your life and you still have all of it perfectly intact because there's not a single day that goes by that I don't remember my old life....esp the insta pics of people enjoying just gets me thinking like what could have been different in my life if endo hadn't hit me?

P.S - this entire blog post....I have written down all these lines in 3 weeks' time coz you see words don't come to you all at a time sometimes.

Here the story isn't about how sad or bad my life is but how good it could have been if I would have been diagnosed by the medical fraternity at least a year earlier. Endo isn't something to be ashamed of or that should be kept in hiding but something that deserves attention so that there's no other Nikita suffering in silence and wasting her golden years of enjoyment and many more other things. My parents have been struggling since 2020 to get me diagnosed but the doctors refused to hear me out...doesn't mean every doctor is bad....just that it was unfortunate for me that I wasn't diagnosed earlier....my life would have been much more different now if the diagnosis had come earlier.

Endo is a struggle of a lifetime that I don't know how to fight which I might figure out with time....and yes this doesn't mean my life is full of pity and it's sad. Even a cancer patient lives his or her life even after knowing the reality because of hope.....so why can't I?