RANDOM THOUGHTS WITHOUT A TITLE

What if everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for

PROLOGUE

Since I really got some time on my hands I thought of reflecting on myself. As all of you know I have been writing for quite some time now and it has been mostly about issues that need some addressing but this time I have chosen to write about myself and my feelings right now because I believe as human beings we are not meant to be perfect so why not address the flaws instead of plastering them and hiding them?

This post might or might not be interesting like my other posts but it might just be an eye opener for myself and my readers. One exciting thing about this post is that I kinda wrote all of it on my phone because didn't want to miss out on the words.

I hope it would be an exciting read!!!

P.s:- Ignore my punctuation marks!!

MAIN ARTICLE

I have been thinking for quite some time about what to write next for my blog and the idea of writing about how I feel and have been feeling since the day I had to take an unexpected sabbatical from work due to my health when I watched the movie Purple Hearts. It's like a roller coaster ride for me right now. There's just too much that's going on inside me right now...like a tornado of emotions. The guilt of not being able to work like a normal person just kills me from inside. The guilt meter was like a 10 on day 1 (of my sabbatical) which is slowly dropping to a 7 because I am learning to accept that it's just not my fault and I can't keep feeling guilty and be normal at the same time. Well, things are at the worst for me right now but my family and friends are making it a tad bit bearable for me and not to forget my colleagues who I know are working really hard to cover up for me. I never thought they would really like to understand my condition right now but yea they have not just tried to accept it but they have been just too accommodating. I guess I can say that I am lucky to have an office full of people who rarely exist...I mean people who can be so practical and at the same time be able to feel for others and try to understand them.

Mentally I am trying to get to that point where I can say I can try to be sane despite the physical pain I am enduring right now due to my illness. Its been months or I can say a year and I have somehow managed to hang on and not try to run away although there hasn't been a single day when I felt like this is it and maybe I just want to run away and give my parents a life where I don't exist and there's happiness and normalcy which they soo much deserve at their age...like an alternate reality where things are just normal. There's this guilt of not being able to give my parents a life filled with happiness but there's also this strong hope that when things get back to normal where I am kinda you know successful career-wise and personally where I am satisfied like from the inside I can finally see my parents really smiling. These few days of my sabbatical have made me realize that there's nothing more than normal life and a big smile on my parent's face I would ever want for myself.

I have heard people saying how strong I am because I am enduring it all and I am still alive somehow and also that I write well. Don't know if any of it is true but words make me feel alive and it gives me the energy to just hang on there and not lose hope because hope is the only thing that really runs us. Endometriosis made me realize that every day is important and most importantly a normal life where you are able to meet your friends, date someone, do the work you love, go on a long drive and spend time by yourself, go on a trip to some unknown land is a luxury for people like me who unexpectedly become health wise challenged but what exactly is a normal life? It is somewhat comprised of the things I just mentioned above but it is also something like a sort of feeling where you have this inner satisfaction or rather peace. Normalcy isn't something that's insta savvy or a cute WhatsApp status or an impressive LinkedIn post that makes people believe that everyone is perfectly happy. Normalcy is being the real you without any layers or characters or white lies or fakeness because after all we are human beings and life is indeed short. How far can we go by faking a life or rather ourselves as a matter of fact?

So guys the point is I haven't discovered my Normalcy yet. I am still in the process of figuring it out and someday when I do you will see it on my face....the glow of it would be real and pure and different and soo so not fake.

As a matter of fact, I would agree my life right now is far from normal but it's highly adventurous as well...the only fact being that I didn't pay for it as others do to experience it. If there's anything that Endometriosis has taught me then it's patience, tolerance, strong willpower, and staying calm and composed. Tough times teach you things that a time where everything is normal can't. I wouldn't say that you wouldn't feel the urge to run away somewhere remote every single second day of your existence but at the end of this dark tunnel, there is light for sure so the struggle is worth it in its own way.

Doctors and learned professionals have told me that Nikita you are too sensitive to pain and that it's all in your mind which did break my heart because only I know how true my pain is and how so not it's a creation of my mind but I didn't feel like proving a word to anyone because I know the doctor who can really get me a solution wouldn't need any sort of proof to believe me. He or she would know what exactly is wrong with me.

Things aren't perfect right now nor they are the way I had expected them to be but isn't perfection a myth? I speak out loud about my issues and problems but that doesn't mean that for those who don't everything's just perfect in their lives. Perfection is a word we have introduced ourselves to make the ongoing chaos in our lives sound normal. Things don't necessarily have to be perfect in order to be appreciated or spoken of. They just need to be satisfactory for the outcomes to be good enough. Most importantly your journey is what matters. Where u started from no matter how small it is and where did you end up doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be good enough to make you feel happy truly...this is what matters at the end of the day. The journey called life is what makes you and shapes you as a person.

This is all I have to say for now. See you all in my next blog!!!

P.s :- Writing this at 2 a.m on a Saturday Night because didn't want to lose the words or the flow.....Hahaha typical writers stuff I guess